Do you feel like your (or your colleagues) fuse is too short, and discussions get heated – and therefore, unproductive – quickly and often? How much valuable meeting time has been wasted by what, ultimately, proves to be just a misunderstanding?
For the life of me, I can’t remember where I heard this advice first. I have used it so many times since, that the origin of the quote truly escapes me. Yesterday, I even heard a client use these very words on their own! The message must’ve really landed. A quick google search finds multiple variations with different authors/presenters, so no help there on origins either. Hence, credit goes to an unknown author (happy to be educated here if you, the reader, know more – please share!) for this gem of business and relationship wisdom.
When our fight reflex kicks in, the hormones start boiling and we tend to react immediately. Recalling these words – “get Curious before you get Furious” – reminds me to slow down and take stock of the situation first. Questions I strive to ask myself in the moment are:
- Why is this affecting me this way?
- Is it the message, the messenger, or the receiver’s (that’s me) problem?
- Is this an expected behavior on their part or not? Where is my reaction coming from?
- Is there room for a benefit of doubt – am I interpreting this negatively?
- Is it worth getting worked up about?
If you feel like you’re getting worked up, remember to take a breath. Get curious. In your head, run through a few questions like the ones above. Those few seconds always dramatically influence the tone of your response and through it, the outcome of any discussion that runs the risk of getting out of hand otherwise.
The same goes when you see the temper rising in someone else. There’s no reason to, and no benefit in, following them there. In other words, as the saying goes, you don’t need to attend to every argument you are invited to. You can choose your reaction by giving yourself the time, space – and a bit of discipline – to do so.
